There is a hell, and it's called Camden Town.

I visited this sin pit of berks today for the first time in ages and...well. Within about five minutes I felt exactly as I imagine Fred West felt every time he was about to kill another young nubile, proper radge.

When I was younger, I used to visit Camden every week, I never had any money, so the best I'd come back with was usually a £5 Manics bootleg on cassette with a photocopied sleeve or a v-neck t-shirt that looked great on a stall, but made me look like the gayest man on earth.

Nowadays, I can afford stuff, but I want none of it. The place is totally, TOTALLY full of utter cunts. I'll list a few.

Traders - I picked up a very broken G1 Transformer in a little toy stall/booth to be reprimanded by the till monkey. "HEY, THERE'S A SIGN UP THERE! READ THE SIGN!" So there's a little hand-written note above the door that says "Do not play with the toys". Now this sign is in such a place that you will only ever see it on your way out of the shop. This arsehole pissed me off for a number of reasons.

Firstly, if you want to avoid having to be rude to potential customers if they pick up a toy that has no more moving parts on it left to break, yet is still priced at £15 put your sign where people will be fucking looking.

Secondly, if you want to avoid a repeat of me advising you "ok, we'll fucking leave then you prick" have some fucking manners. You work in a shop, cunt. It hasn't even got fucking walls. You are not Jesus.


Punks - Maybe you were alive in 1976, I'd say you were 8 at the time, you're now 40, and frankly mate, you look like a fetid, smeggy penis. If only you would put as much effort into washing every so often as you do dyeing your hair pink and tippexing Discharge logos on to your jacket, you might not look like you have some new tropical illness.
What the fuck do you do when you're not huffing butane or making the Good Mixer EVEN SMELLIER than it already is. And by the way, stop trying to look hard. Giving me a funny look when you knock into the table my pint is on and almost taking my wife's eye out with your pool cue just so you don't have to say 'excuse me' (that wouldn't be punk, you see) doesn't make you cool. It makes you a candidate for a kicking from a fat square guy in a jumper, me.

Teenagers - Fuck I'm getting old. When did things change. The idea of four 19 year old posh girls used to really excite me. I'd be thinking EVIL thoughts, like Fred West again. Now all I think is "BUY A FUCKING HAIRBRUSH!"

What a shame that the Hawley Arms fire didn't become the 'Great Fire of Camden' wiping all these fucking oxygen thieves off the face of the earth.