The trials and tribulations of a nice life.

Transvestite rapes dog in moat.

2010-07-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the most amazing story I have read, ever.

'This was a very rare incident'

You reckon yeah?

http://bit.ly/b2K9WZ

BBC capitulates just in case a fat fool cries.

2010-07-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

http://uk.tv.yahoo.com/news-extra/article/31027/bbc-apologises-over-holmes-weight-jibe.html

Oim Aayymon Halmes. Hi dere da BBC tek the piss oight of me bein' faht, woy oil croi. Oi hev a reyol stroggle wiv da weyatloss despoit beyan vary rech and oinly warken tree errs a dey.

Da fact dat oi cahnt prasant moi wey oight uv a payper bahg is e moch moor valad tergat, bot dey fowcus un moi weyat.

Conts.

Cheryl Cole currently unable to speak...

2010-07-19T05:41:00.000-07:00

Shitting hell...there's a new Converge album coming...

2009-03-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

Watch the video, how good is this going to be? I can't wait.

http://www.convergecult.com/window.html

How. The. Fuck. Has. Alex. Zane. Got. A. Job?

2009-03-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

Alex. Zane. A. Man. With. Such. Stilted. Delivery. That. I. Want. To. Jump. Through. The. TV. And. Skull. Fuck. Him. To. Death.

Anyway, typing like that is too tricky to keep up, but it's less tricky than listening to this scruffy-chic fuckhandle air his opinions on any subject. Why does he continue to get work? WHY? He's an irritating little pipsqueak with 'just out of bed' hair that probably takes a whole team to manage.

He's on that Heston Blumenthal thing. When I should, by rights, be cracking one off at Sophie Ellis-Bextor, I keep getting his grinning visage.

I HATE THIS TWAT. SACK HIM AND EMPLOY SOMEONE THAT CAN SPEAK WITHOUT ADDING A FULL STOP AFTER EVERY WORD.

I will be back soon.

2009-03-16T03:46:00.000-07:00

There's lots going on and I've been neglecting this blog.

Must focus my energies.

If this video doesn't make you laugh, you are one MISERABLE sod...

2009-01-27T17:02:00.001-08:00

Just to back up my last post.

2009-01-26T08:57:00.001-08:00

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20090126/tuk-sheep-heads-put-through-pub-windows-6323e80.html

So I'm trying to get into football.

2009-01-25T12:17:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, it just feels like some rights of passage thing that wasn't fulfilled during the flirtation I had as a teenager.

First up, I'm a Spurs 'fan'. That means fuck all to me now, but as a kid I had the strip and I knew the names of all the team members.

Then I grew up and realised that anyone that had any interest in football was probably a rapist. It said nothing to me and essentially represented everything I hated about how I was supposed to act as a white male in England.

This weekend I watched two whole football matches in the pub. On Saturday it was Spurs vs Man U. I felt some tinge of passion, but nothing more powerful than say, the ejaculation of a woodlouse. I was with good friends, pretty girls, and in a setting that I didn't imagine was welcoming of bobble hats and rattles.

Today, I met with some wonderful friends who have only a couple of downfalls. Two of them are from the north and all three of them are avid fans of 'the ugly game'.

This was a whole different situation. There was no blart, just elderly Maltese ponces.

Everything I hated was summed up in 90 minutes of wank. Ugly scouse skinheads in the crowd on TV singing along to 'you'll never walk alone' with more passion than they could ever manage to muster for their wife and kids. Overpaid titboxes on the pitch diving for the ground if any other player came within six feet of them, instilling dishonesty in every kid watching, and keeping companies like the National Accident Helpline going for years to come. Management staff jumping up and down, punching the air like extras in Top Gun when someone scored a goal.

Bollocks, all of it. I'm sure you'll agree.

Some very smelly men seated in front of us seemed obsessed with engaging my friends in a conversation about how their team's new stadium held 7,000 more arseholes than the other team. It was like watching 90 year olds engage in a bout of 'my dad's harder than your dad'.

But the worst thing was the fucking windowlickers surrounding me in the pub. People SCREAMING at the screen like a particularly powerful episode of The Two Minutes Hate. Men, exasperated that THREE MINUTES had been given as extra time. I can't imagine they could manage even 10% of that disgust should they be confronted with limbless Palestinians from Israel's latest bout of mass slaughter.

I hate everything about football.

What the hell has happened to Crimewatch?

2008-12-15T13:17:00.000-08:00

This programme really does seem to have become more like an episode of Hollyoaks than a serious attempt at catching criminals.

Everything is backed with incidental music, a rape scene on tonight's show was backed by a Latin influenced beat, making it seem like the Countdown music, like it's challenging the rapist to ejaculate before the da-dun, da-dun, da-da-da dun, beewww!!!

A rozzer stressing how important it was to catch these sex-pests was backed by an 'Our Tune' piano piece as he looked solemnly into the lens.

Almost every suspect on the programme is black or Asian, it's almost as if white people don't commit crimes worthy of being mentioned on TV, and they really do. Half the features are about crimes that have already been solved. Point of?

As far as I can see, it has two key messages:

1, Crime is cool. You get drum'n'bass playing from nowhere when you steal a car. If you rob a bank some cod-Nine Inch Nails track will spur you on as you do a runner. If you want to rape a girl, some Latin rhythms will help you get all sexy.

2, BE TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY AFRAID. ESPECIALLY OF THE BLACKS!!!

Very silly.

2008-12-13T02:25:00.001-08:00

What does a man with a two-foot cock have for breakfast?

2008-12-11T12:07:00.000-08:00

This morning, I had a boiled egg.

Old and unoriginal, but it made me smile.

Postmen are dishonest sloths.

2008-12-11T03:47:00.000-08:00

WHOOAAHHH, serious post alert!!!

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20081211/tuk-posties-told-to-walk-at-4mph-6323e80.html

So Royal Mail/Consignia/The Post Office or whatever it calls itself these days is trying to get its staff to work even faster.

Unfortunately, the only measurable result I can see come from this course of action is more items being 'lost in the post'.

Working in the charity world, I hear many a horror story when it comes to mailing things in bulk. Fellow fundraisers speak of missing out on donations from entire parts of the country because appeal letters sent to donors living in those areas simply never arrive, we're talking 1,000s of letters here. Letters that have been paid for out of meagre charity budgets. The damage this sort of thing does to charity income is astounding. Bags of undelivered appeal letters have been discovered discarded in tips.

It's standard charity practice to remove a donor from your database if you receive any returned mail marked as 'gone away' or 'refused' without a handwritten note or message. If the donor's new address can't be found, you're simply wasting money by sending letters to their old address.

However, many cases have been reported where people removed from a database for this reason have called the charity to ask why they haven't received anything from them of late. They never moved, they never refused to accept the letter (when do people actually get the opportunity to do this anyway?). Most of the letters that get returned in this way don't appear to have been seen by any recipient. They have a sticker with 'gone away' ticked, sometimes a date, occasionally a staff number, but very seldom a hand written 'not at this address'.

The simple fact is that items are being returned in this way because it saves RM/C/TPO work delivering them. Many charities are only removing donors from their databases after receiving 2 or three of these 'gone away' letters.

Charities are losing out on thousands, possibly even millions, of vital pounds because of the pressure put on postal staff to deliver items they simply can't manage.

If things continue like this these problems are only going to get much worse.

The Daily Mail - The Tesco Value Mein Kampf

2008-11-17T11:33:00.000-08:00

Due to the drought of people slagging off the Daily Mail at the moment I thought now was the perfect time to bring it back to the public's attention with my own ill-informed views.

I have a strange relationship with the Daily Mail, a split opinion if you will.

One overwhelming thing comes to mind whenever the mail decides to invade my life, whether it's by being for sale outside a newsagent as I strut by, or during a discussion about the recent right-wing hysteria sweeping the country like 'The Infected' in 28 Days Later. It's a feeling of familiarity and comfort.

My late Grandparents, staggeringly wonderful people both, read the Daily Mail. Oddly I never heard them say a single a single reactionary or particularly right-wing sentence. They weren't what I suspect most people imagine when they picture a Daily Mail reader in their mind. No flying spittle or hatred of immigrants. They had close friends of various nationalities (yes, I know, "one of my best friends is black") and were simply decent people. I can't hold their choice of paper against them.

So naturally, being brought up by my Grandparents for some years, I used to read the Mail in my early teens. Although at the time I could name every member of the cabinet at the time and their roles, a task I would fail at after listing just three today, my understanding of scare-mongering and propaganda was not quite acute enough to Read Between The Lies. I read every story as if it was gospel. I knew I didn't like the redtops, I was already too pretentious to be seen reading one, and I was simply too thick to read a broadsheet. So I decided that I would go with the broadloid option.

Eventually, I started to become interested in how politics affected me. When I was 16 I joined a march against the Criminal Justice Bill. This was exciting, there were fit indie girls, punks who looked really cool (see my previous Camden piece), a huge mix of people from all walks of life.

So I knew little to no detail of the bill I was marching against and shouting about, I just knew it was going to make it more difficult for me to experience things I wanted to do in the rest of my life. This was exciting. There was that kind of atmosphere you can only get when thousands of people are all crammed together with a like mind, wanting the same thing.

The whole day was like one big celebration. The police were friendly; laughing and joking with the crowds, they didn't behave like we were doing anything wrong. Incidentally, we were hiding from any scuffers in view anyway since my companion, (lets call him...Alan) had been forbidden to come to the march by his Metropolitan Police Officer father who was on duty that day. This was a man who once gave us a lift home after a Manics show, pulling up right outside Brixton Academy in a fucking police Land Rover. We looked so cool climbing into that.

On reaching the final stopping point of the march, we left for the train back to our thalidomide satellite town. When I got back home and switched on the news, the peaceful celebration had become a full-on riot.

The next day I read the first six pages of the Daily Mail. Six pages of vertigo inducing bias.
Apparently, tensions had been running high all day, relations between protesters and police had been strained. This led to a brutal attack on the police that was explained in awe-inspiring detail by the Mail. After five pages of evil injuries sustained by police officers from the unruly mob, a single paragraph mentioned a large number of protesters were hurt.

That was it. One paragraph in six pages recounting events I didn't recognise even though many had been experienced only 24 hours before.

I saw the Daily Mail's editorial policy clearly for the first time. I could never read it again.

That was half my life ago, and now, just like everyone else, my other overriding emotion is that I blame it for pretty much every right-wing opinion that anyone the country may have. It is a massive veiny cock with a set of sweaty bollocks swinging underneath like a pendulum of doom with Diana's face tattood on it. Penetrating every terrified cunt in the land and filling them with anti-immigration semen, and every single sperm cell has a little Hitler 'tache.

The Mail's winding up of the country regarding, Jonathon Ross, Russell Brand, Frankie Boyle and Jeremy Clarkson, plus any other part of the BBC they can latch on to has been like a vice grip of outrage.

A few weeks ago they posted this article on the web, please read it:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1081949/The-BBC-fills-living-rooms-smutty-degrading-obscenities.html

I'm aware that looking this story up just to get my blood boiling makes me just as bad as the Mail readers that called to complain to the BBC about these scandals without having heard the offending material but...I don't care. This is my blog, I'll be as hypocritical as I want.

Notice the article has received no comments. This isn't true, because I left them a comment.

I pointed out that I would rather be 'raped by a dog than read the Mail'. They may have thought I was merely being crude, but I am deadly serious, my motto is 'try anything once'. I've read the Mail, that didn't work out for me, the dog could turn out to be a tender lover. And if not, I'm not adverse to a bit of rough sex. Being bummed must be great fun, the gayers love it.

I suspect that every comment they received was against their argument, so nothing ever got noted.

Surely not?

There will be a very large insightful post soon, until then...

2008-11-06T03:06:00.000-08:00

...Georgina Baillie.

Would.

Clarkson, lorry drivers, prostitutes.

2008-11-04T23:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'll expand more on this wider issue later, there's a lot to discuss.

Following the Ross & Brand censorship tsunami, Jeremy Clarkson is in trouble for saying this:

Ok, despite his dodgy political views and the excruciatingly scripted nature of all the challenges and discussions on Top Gear (notice whenever something 'accidentally' catches fire, or one of them gets pulled over by the rozzers, there's always at least four cameras nicely set up to capture said occurrence), I like Clarkson. He's funny. He has some personality.

There have been hundreds of complaints in to the BBC about his reference to lorry drivers murdering prostitutes.

Ok...err...look...um...perhaps lorry drivers should stop murdering prostitutes then? Just a suggestion. I haven't noticed them complaining in force. No, they're keeping their fucking heads down aren't they? "God!!!! I'd better stay quiet about this in case someone finds the collection of knickers and heads in the back of my lorry cab"

There is a hell, and it's called Camden Town.

2008-11-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

I visited this sin pit of berks today for the first time in ages and...well. Within about five minutes I felt exactly as I imagine Fred West felt every time he was about to kill another young nubile, proper radge.

When I was younger, I used to visit Camden every week, I never had any money, so the best I'd come back with was usually a £5 Manics bootleg on cassette with a photocopied sleeve or a v-neck t-shirt that looked great on a stall, but made me look like the gayest man on earth.

Nowadays, I can afford stuff, but I want none of it. The place is totally, TOTALLY full of utter cunts. I'll list a few.

Traders - I picked up a very broken G1 Transformer in a little toy stall/booth to be reprimanded by the till monkey. "HEY, THERE'S A SIGN UP THERE! READ THE SIGN!" So there's a little hand-written note above the door that says "Do not play with the toys". Now this sign is in such a place that you will only ever see it on your way out of the shop. This arsehole pissed me off for a number of reasons.

Firstly, if you want to avoid having to be rude to potential customers if they pick up a toy that has no more moving parts on it left to break, yet is still priced at £15 put your sign where people will be fucking looking.

Secondly, if you want to avoid a repeat of me advising you "ok, we'll fucking leave then you prick" have some fucking manners. You work in a shop, cunt. It hasn't even got fucking walls. You are not Jesus.

Punks - Maybe you were alive in 1976, I'd say you were 8 at the time, you're now 40, and frankly mate, you look like a fetid, smeggy penis. If only you would put as much effort into washing every so often as you do dyeing your hair pink and tippexing Discharge logos on to your jacket, you might not look like you have some new tropical illness.
What the fuck do you do when you're not huffing butane or making the Good Mixer EVEN SMELLIER than it already is. And by the way, stop trying to look hard. Giving me a funny look when you knock into the table my pint is on and almost taking my wife's eye out with your pool cue just so you don't have to say 'excuse me' (that wouldn't be punk, you see) doesn't make you cool. It makes you a candidate for a kicking from a fat square guy in a jumper, me.

Teenagers - Fuck I'm getting old. When did things change. The idea of four 19 year old posh girls used to really excite me. I'd be thinking EVIL thoughts, like Fred West again. Now all I think is "BUY A FUCKING HAIRBRUSH!"

What a shame that the Hawley Arms fire didn't become the 'Great Fire of Camden' wiping all these fucking oxygen thieves off the face of the earth.

Stealth Cat

2008-10-10T08:46:00.001-07:00

Reverend Peter Mullen

2008-10-07T05:52:00.001-07:00

So an Anglican priest has said the following in his blog:

"Let us make it obligatory for homosexuals to have their backsides tattooed with the slogan: SODOMY CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH and their chins with: FELLATIO KILLS."

"I did not intend to cause offence when I made some joking remarks about homosexuals. I was not actually meaning to criticise individual homosexual persons, but the promoters of gay culture.

What a glorious twat. Now I'm assuming he's a member of a religious order and celibate, rather than a secular priest who can go out and slay mad tang, but I do wish people who don't have sex would stop telling those that do not to do it.

By his reasoning, pretty much every girl I know should have these tattoos as well.

How about we get every priest, vicar, bishop, rabbi, imam (I'm not using capitals here on purpose) or any other in denial bell-end that preaches about any religion ever to have: "MAY SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR CHILD'S ARSE" or perhaps even: "WILL TALK ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS ABOUT PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T EXIST 2000 YEARS AGO AND FORCE YOU TO LIVE YOUR LIFE BY A SET OF RULES SET DOWN IN A BOOK THAT IS NO MORE FACTUAL THAN TREASURE ISLAND" That one may need to go on an arm or something.

My favourite part is the end, where he apologises without really apologising. It's essentially the same as saying. "Sorry for calling you a cunt, I didn't actually mean it, you cunt."

Rim World

2008-10-06T10:44:00.001-07:00

There is a shop in Camberwell that calls itself 'Rim World'.

What the blood clot?

I know a guy into rimming, both as giver and taker. The odd thing is he has the worst personal hygiene of all of my friends. If you liked chicks to stick their tongue up your grot socket surely you'd ensure that it was "clean, FDS smell with a shine" like Ghostface says, before requesting said service.

Jesus use me...

2008-10-06T06:54:00.000-07:00

I'm changing my name to Jesus...

http://www.boingboing.net/2008/10/01/the-faith-tones-jesu.html

Just what the world needs...

2008-10-06T05:12:00.000-07:00

...another blog by someone who plans to use it as his own personal rant space.

Issues I will cover in future:

Why being 30 and working in a nice job with a great group of friends still isn't enough. And the guilt that surrounds such feelings.
The live commentary on the pathetic-ness of a collapsing friendship. With added vitriol to boot.
Any old tat about twats in the public eye
Children with crew cuts
My attempt to lose four stone by hatred alone.
To be honest...I don't know what else yet. It will probably involve inventive use of swear words, if that's your sort of thing. I just set this up on a whim, there's nobody reading anyway.